I have experienced many different forms of grief in my short 39 years but I have to add two new ones to the list.
I learnt about death at the age of 5 when my paternal grandad died. One week he was at his house when we visited and the next he wasn’t and my dad was sad. Not a full experience, I’ll grant you, but still my first experience.
Then, at the age of 13, I lost an Aunty who wasn’t actually an Aunty and demanded that I be allowed to go to the funeral to say goodbye like everyone else. I was hysterical at the funeral!!
Next came my great gran when I was 16. She was 98 and amazing. I was more prepared this time for the funeral but not for the actual loss. I really struggled with missing her and the things we did together (which mainly involved playing gin rummy!!). And my paternal nan died when I was 19. This was an odd experience as she was very ill towards the end and also quite a cold woman so I didn’t feel the loss quite as I would have expected.
The next big hit was my dad. I was 17 when he was diagnosed with cancer, 20 when it was terminal and 21 when he lost the fight. I lost my confidant when mom was driving me mad, my snack buddy, my holiday lover, the man to walk me down the aisle and the man to sneak my children sweets. He didn’t even get to give his blessing on me and my now husband. I coped with the funeral, I even read at it, and I was signed off sick with depression when the time came to go back to work. Just for 2 weeks and then my mom decided I should go back. She’s very good with everyone else but when it’s my mental health in question, she definitely thinks I should just get over it. Looking back, I should have stood up for my own mental health but I was young. I just got on with it and created a ‘new normal’. But I think it scarred me.
Over the next few years, I lost friends from church, slightly more distant family members and a couple of closer friends and I just got on with it. Very practical and organised and not at all normally. But I was just powering through as I couldn’t do anything else.
My first new grief is that of not getting a job that I secretly really wanted but played down. This genuinely hadn’t happened to me in all my 26 years of having a job. Unfortunately, I played it down because it would put a spanner in the works of kids school runs and I knew my mom and maternal grandparents would think it was a bad idea. How rubbish is that? I’ve only realised all of this since not getting it and it really hit home when my mom said she was glad I didn’t get it. I guess this isn’t really a grief of not getting a job but a grief of realising that my family don’t 100% have my back. I know what she said was from a good place of wanting me to be able to spend as much time with my children as I can while they are young, but it hurt. My mom isn’t a monster at all but sometimes should learn to think before she speaks! And I have a wonderful husband and aunt and uncle who were 100% by my side through it all.
My second new grief comes with the closing of my church. It was inevitable but certain circumstances meant it’s happened years sooner than expected. I have a full life there with being christened at 3 months old, my dad’s funeral, my wedding, the christening of both my children and the friends I’ve made there. And I’m only 39! I can’t imagine what the older members are feeling!! I realised I am tackling this like any other loss in my life. I’m being organised. I am pressing through meetings and ideas to form a new independent church. I’m taking meeting minutes and typing them up. I’m organising people and following through all the actions with those they are allocated to. But I’m not thinking about the closure. I just can’t. It’s like my brain has shut that bit off. Which is new phenomenon for me. I feel totally numb to it and I’m sure someone with letters after their name would have a field day analysing me!! So I thought that I should write it down and get it out of my head.
I will do a full post on the steps we took to create a new church when we are successful and I suppose that will include my eventual break down about at all!! Watch this space 🥰
The Busy Mommy UK 